Spouse's truthfull feelings about diet finally spoken

7k rep

MemberZion Crossroads, VA

So, once again I have set down the path to reach a healthy weight by modifying my diet and making a commitment to myself to join a gym. It is my hope that I stick with it. One day at a time. What I have learned over the years is that I have to focus on a low fat diet that is nutritious. I also have to track, track, track, everything. I have prepared and frozen meals ahead to take the pressure off of my busy schedule. My husband doesn't like and will not eat these meals which often include ground turkey, very lean beef, and are supplemented with fresh vegetables. They taste good but he won't eat them. In the past I have always had to prepare my food as well as his. So, I fix a health meal and a not so healthy one. It gets tiresome to have to do this every meal, every day and eventually I grow so tired of it that discipline goes by the wayside and a few back steps eventually end in a return to old habits. Yesterday when I arrived home from work I ate what one of my prepared meals and did not cook anything for him. I didn't know what he would want so I intended to ask when he got home. Instead, what transpired is that he asked what I had cooked. I told him nothing; but before I could say that I would cook what he wanted he revealed, "That's why I don't like it when you diet; I suffer." Wow! I always knew that there was a secret, unspoken resentment and a secret hope that I would quit but he never said it aloud. I know I can't be everything to everybody; I've really got to stick with me and my commitment to making myself successful. I can see that this part will be my biggest challenge.

Has anybody else had to deal with these types of anti-diet interactions with their spouse of significant other. I'm trying not to dwell on it but in addition to becoming healthy I need to keep the marriage happy too. To be fair to him he says he hopes I'm successful but I don't think he really means that, especially after last night's revelation. Thoughts?

381 rep

MemberBaraboo, WI

julianava,
Show him what you have written and ask for his understanding and support. Maybe, even, teach him how to cook.
Let us know how it goes.
Jake

3.4k rep

OH YES! I have. My fiance is a horrible eater. He is 6 years younger than I am and he constantly eats JUNK! I have to fix separate meals for him too. Not only will he not eat what I eat but he will also not eat anything left over and that also includes nothing from a microwave...AT ALL! It's very hard to watch him eat the way he does and eat the way I have to sometimes. I want to enjoy food like he does. I like eating healthy but I have to admit, that chocolate and pizza he's always munching on makes my mouth water sometimes.
He also does not exercise at all. I worry about him but when I tell him he just laughs. He has gained about 30 lbs since I met him but I know that no one can make him want to be healthy. It is something we have to decide and follow through with on your own. I also know I have to accept him the way he is.
I do not let him and his bad eating habits become part of my battle. I just keep right on putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it too. Remember, no one can win your battle but you! Good Luck!

49k rep

MemberSmyrna, TN

Wow. My hubby must have a lousy life.

When we changed our eating habits more than a year ago, I basically told him "I am cooking healthier. No overly processed foods. No more crap. If you want that stuff, cook it yourself. "

I work just as hard as he does, and I am absolutely NOT going to cook two meals, or prepare things two ways, or sacrifice my health goals for someone who doesn't have any right now. Weightloss journeys are sometimes sojourns into "it's all about me" ville. This is one of them.

So, we meet in the middle. He wants eggplant parmasean? He gets layers of eggplant and lower fat cheese with panko sprinkled on top. If he wants "traditional" eggplant parm, he can cook it himself.

Does he still eat Cubans, and Pizza and Mexican? Yep! And I go with. He has "grande stuffed burrito" and I have shrimp fajitas, no oil, no tortillas, no sour cream.

Basically, he is an adult. And as such, he is responsible for his own choices. Sometimes, that means cooking his own supper and doing his own dishes!

3.4k rep

I agree with you Vicki and it is absolutely right to make him fend for himslef. I give a little on the cooking for my finance because he is an owner/operator for his business and that means he works from the crack of dawn until 9-10 pm most days. Yes, I have a full time job too, and a son, but I hate for him to be so tired and have to cook his own junk!

If he doesn't support my healthy life style that doesn't mean I can't still support his work. I try to be a good/understanding person. Doesn't always work....but I try.

17k rep

MemberMadison, WI

First off - I have to say your husband is being short sighted & selfish. Sorry - I know that sounds mean.... Does he not realize that by eating healthier - you will be a healthier, happier person? If he loves you - he should support those changes. He doesn't have to eat the meals you cook for yourself - but them it becomes HIS responsibility to cook his own.

You need to be selfish here & stand up for yourself.

My boyfriend wasn't really thrilled with our new way of eating at first either - but once he actually tried the food - instead of writing it off right away because it wasn't covered in grease or breading - he actually likes most of the meals I make. I still cannot get him to like spaghetti squash though!

2.2k rep

MemberPort Angeles, WA

I'm going to come at this a little different way. Are you eating 4-6 mini-meals a day, spaced 2-3 hours apart to keep your metabolism firing? If so, sharing a common meal with him in the evening won't derail you too much, if you make modifications.

Say his favorite meal is spaghetti and meatballs and that's what he wants. You don't want pasta as your last meal. So make the spaghetti and meatballs for him and you have meatballs on a salad instead. Win-win.

There is a huge psychological and emotional attachment to food. People don't get ready to change the way they view food on the same time schedule. He may come around. He may not. Your marriage is WAY more important that what you're having for dinner. You can still be successful at your diet with a "non supporter" in the house. You're just going to have to be stronger.

7k rep

MemberZion Crossroads, VA

Dear All, Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I have found something to take away from each of your messages. We have been married for 28 years; the roles and responsibities that we have each accepted throughout our lives together are well established but change is inevitable in everything isn't it? I'm going to change ME and along the way I'm going to, hopefully, see some changes in his view of what I'm doing.

Once again, thanks for sharing your view, it really helps!

Julie

7k rep

MemberZion Crossroads, VA

After I posted this last night, I cooked him a hamburger before he got home. When he got home he had a package of pork chops in his hand. I said I had prepared the burger. He said he brought pork chops to cook for himself. He ate the burger. We reached a compromise. I don't mind the cooking as long as he tells me what he wants. So, the answer to that question can never be..."whatever you feel like fixin'" Win!

1.5k rep

awwww wow thats not right!

in my house there is one meal if nobody likes it then they make theyre own food. I still live with my parents but I was always raised that way, My mom usually cooks, but she doesn't do any special dishes, we all pretty much eat healthy because she cooks healthy. theres some things my dad just won't eat... yes my dad is those type of husbands for my mom - who's picky about food... but we try to keep it okay for everyone but healthy. and of course sometimes we make burgers and fries-- we're only human! but my dad buys all these donuts i won't eat them... and now they started buying so much fruit actually everything is so expensive now so instead of buying snacks they buy a bunch of fruit and veggies and stuff they can cook at home... and we have to deal with it because like everything is sooo expensive.... but there are days my mom just does not cook cause she is tired, we pretty much help ourselves...why must you cook for your husband... like okay he wants to eat bad thats his problem but telling you that, its like its putting you down that your dieting is all your fault thats not right.... if he hates when you wanna cook healthy then he should make his own food, no one is forcing him to lose weight right lol....
i dont know why people are so weird about the dieting thing..... like i always ate decent
i always hated fruit but now im getting more used to it and i love it its so fresh...its not because i dont like it its because junk food tastes way better.....its also a lifestyle thing..

2.5k rep

I go through the same thing with my wife.. she says she supports my choice, but undermines it all the time.. bottom line is she doesn't want to do without the sweets, and foods, but doesn't want to eat them if I'm not (I really don't care if she eats all the stuff I'm not, but it bugs her)...

I don't have a solution, other than do the best you can and if it helps, just take small bits or eat half & say you're full.. they won't feel so bad & you'll do better with health eating.

2.1k rep

MemberLees Summit, MO

I guess I'm lucky because this time my husband is on board with me. He is the one that gets me out of bed at 4:40 in the a.m. to go work out because if he doesn't, I won't get to it after work. Food wise he cooks as much as I do. He needs to drop about 30 as do I and he doesn't know how to cook light. Luckily most nights I get home before him so I can at least start something. Usually I have a snack - I eat lunch very early. I've learned that if I have a cup of broth (low sodium) and add some spices to it I can make it without eating a mini meal. I know 6 meals a day is the best but when you are short like I am - and limited in calories my mini meals would consist of 200 calorie meals or so......I have breakfast, then lunch....my broth after work and dinner. Sometime calories allowed I indulde in a beer. Now we have just started back to this so wish us motivation and luck. As far as 2 different dinners - I never did that with my children and won't with my husband either.

837 rep

AlumniClear Lake, IA

TF I am in the same predicament as you. My fiance wants junk food, and cigarettes all the time. I am trying to have nothing but healthy food but I am undermined all the time... I usually do the cooking, but then I get asked to make something special and it gets irritating. I feel only one meal should be prepared, if they don't like it, TOO BAD! This is now my motto. I haven't fixed a meal in a couple days now. Soon they will be very hungry for home cooking from dad

2.1k rep

MemberWaynesboro, VA

ditto on lillier's post. we have one meal and you can choose to eat, some of it or none of it. Growing up it was the same way. Everyone's family dynamics are different and you have to do what's best for your situation. Sometimes when people lose wgt/go on a diet/get healthy friends and family members feel threatened and try to sabotage your efforts but you have to let them know it's important to you and that you will still be the same person. All the best.

27 rep

MemberPella, IA

Wow- thanks for this post. I am in the same boat and it makes it really tough. My husband is easy going in the sense that he is perfectly content to fend for himself. However he eats absolutely terribly. He is a picky eater and he prefers processed junk. He is also stubborn. Last year we tried to join the gym together and never went (I tried so many different tactics and the end result was that he didn't want to go in the first place). I finally decided this year that I can only motivate myself and that I am totally on my own. However, I hate what that does to the strenght of our marriage. I think some autonomy is healthy, but the overriding effect of eat separate, watch tv separate, work separte, work-out separate, is a slippery slope that I am a bit afraid will result in totally separate.

1.2k rep

Wow. Just tell him how it made you feel. And you know what? He knows where the kitchen is!