it's all about me in 2012 . . .

Laura Steward member since Jul'11

23k rep

How very true, Dusky, my friend. 70% of the journey is the psychology. It is easy to get "lost" in food and sulking when we think it makes us feel better. When we feel that we cannot really be hurt if we use our "body armor" to keep people out. Once we start shedding the body armor - it gets scary....

Hang in there girl!! We will walk this path to health together!!

posted : 1/9/2012 at 10:46 AM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

Okay . . . I'm shameless I know, but I just posted this on another thread and I love it so much I'm posting it here too! Grin It's just sooooo inspiring!

posted : 1/16/2012 at 6:48 PM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

It's the Climb! <<<<< click here

alt text

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it,
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin',
And I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on,

'Cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep your faith, keep your faith

posted : 1/16/2012 at 6:51 PM

MONET0329 member since Jun'10

4.9k rep

Oh how I love that song..:)

posted : 1/16/2012 at 7:30 PM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

 You know when you see these little guys something is coming . . .

This is going to be a very sensitive issue . . . I'm not even sure if I should be posting this here, but . . . I don't know . . . maybe I should . . .

I went to see psycho doctor on Friday. We talked more about feeling vulnerable at a smaller size and she said something she has said a dozen times over, but for some reason, the way she said it this time, it finally hit home . . . I get it now . . .

First off she asked me what it was I wanted to change -- I want to change the way I feel about being smaller . . . vulnerable . . . I don't want to feel vulnerable.

She asked me to define vulnerable -- I don't want to get hurt.

Hurt in what way? -- I don't want to get raped.

Then she went into her schpeal about how rape isn't about sex it's about control . . . yada yada yada . . . alt text I've heard this before . . . time and time again I've heard this . . .

Why do you think you will be raped? -- People view me as being a confident person. When I'm smaller, I lose a lot of my insecurities and that confidence becomes even more apparent and to some it may appear as if I were over-confident to the point of being arrogant. There are people out there that like to knock you down a peg or two when they perceive you as being such . . . I'm afraid that this is what's going to happen. I'm going to be moving more freely . . . I'm going to have a spring in my step . . . I'm going to act differently - not hiding from mirrors, not taking a back seat so as to hide from the world, not wearing clothing that you can parasail in . . . I'm afraid that someone is going to want to "set me in my place" so to speak.

posted : 1/16/2012 at 7:36 PM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

Then she said, "I can see what you're trying to say, but you have to remember that it's not you they are trying to control. It's their problem, not yours."

alt textalt textalt textalt textalt text

Wow . . . it's not my problem, but theirs. I don't know why this was such a light bulb moment, but it was. We went on to discuss how, when I am smaller, I WILL have to become more aware of my surroundings and not take "chances" like I do now. Because I have this false belief that I am somehow protected by my body fat, I don't think twice about going out at 2am to the store or to the gym . . . she tried to help me see that really, I'm just as likely to be attacked now as I would be at a smaller size because I place myself in situations that could be dangerous. My fat isn't like an invisible force-field around me keeping all the preditors at bay . . . and they aren't sitting in the shadows waiting for me to get smaller so they can pounce . . .

It's their problem, not mine . . . wow . . .

posted : 1/16/2012 at 7:38 PM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

Yeah . . . me too Lisa.Lovestruck

posted : 1/16/2012 at 7:39 PM

Laura Steward member since Jul'11

23k rep

Wow - Dusky - pretty deep topic. I can understand your apprehension much better now. But like she said - you can only control your problems & not some potential rapist's. And yes - even though we think that our size is our armor - the potential rapist wouldn't care how big we are - and yes I do it too - I think that nobody will notice the fat chick - so I take more chances than I probably should too.

You need to know that you are a wonderful person & like it or not - you are already vulnerable. We all are. But we are all going to be okay. Now that you have identified your fears - you can deal with them to overcome them. Keep up the work both emotionally & physically!

posted : 1/16/2012 at 9:01 PM

tami4gsd member since Mar'11

5.8k rep

First of all Dusky, just want to say I just left the weight loss challenge thread & I applaud you Applause Applause Applause for how successful you have been in that challenge! What a great accomplishment!
No I would like to comment on your post above concerning rape & feeling safer with your heavier body. I feel that way too, that I am safer when I am fat.It's like even though I am heavy, I put on an invisible cloak with all the weight. People don't notice me & I don't draw attention to myself.
I am so glad your therapist was able to help you have an aha moment concerning rape. I work with victims of sexual assault as a forensic nurse examiner. I can tell you she hit the nail right on the head. It is NEVER the victim's fault, it is always the perps fault. And to add to that, if you protray yourself in a confident stance, that doesn't make you more vulnerable at all. These guys are after someone who is an easy target that they can control with the least amount of trouble. They are essentially cowards. If you are confident they aren't going to feel challenged, if anything that will make them want to looke elsewhere for an easier target. Now it doesn't always work this way, this is just a general statement.
I think you r therapist gave good advice in that you shouldn't take chances & you should be aware of your surroundings. We all should be doing that anyway.

posted : 1/17/2012 at 11:52 PM

Laura Steward member since Jul'11

23k rep

Hey there Miss Dusky - I will reply to your inquiry here so we can all get moved over here permanently! First let me say the regardless of everyone else did in the challenge - YOU ROCKED IT!!!!! You did awesome & should be soooo proud of yourself!! I am very proud of you. Applause Applause YOU faced some tough times in recent weeks & yet you kept it together!

I am hanging in there - but just barely it seems. I am losing a bit of steam right now & I am struggling to figure out why. I seem to be stalling out on a new plateau - which is frustrating me - so I have changed up my routines again. I am hoping it will help. Looks like I will be adding my own 30 minute weight circuit to my normal cardio nights to see if I can get something kick started. Workouts are starting to become a chore & that frightens me. Seems I am always bargaining with myself to do the full hour of cardio, or to add something new. My old longing for the couch, a blanket, my cats, the tv & a bag of chips is getting pretty strong right now.

I am tired of being patient while my body sorts this crap out - lol. I am still stuck at 229 - I had gotten to 227 - but then mother nature paid a visit & I became a sponge - I hate water retention!

I think it is time for a visit with my therapist to try and figure out what is going on in my head right now. There is no reason for me to be getting down about this & I know that - but it is driving me nuts!!

Well - lunch time is over now so I suppose I need to get back to work. I will be back later! Have a great day y'all!

posted : 1/18/2012 at 12:12 PM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

Thanks guys for the congrats! Grin I'm grinnin' all over myself for what I did.

Tami, thanks for the additional info about how confidence can possibly be a deterrent. MUCH appreciated and I will try to be more conscious of my surroundings. Happy

Laura – good grief woman! Another stall?! I'm soooo sorry! Sad Have you had your thyroid checked lately? I just wish there was something I could do to help . . . but keep this in mind . . . you're goal isn't to lose weight, it's to become acquainted with and to manage a healthier lifestyle forever and ever, amen. A side benefit is the weight loss. With that said, don't sweat the numbers right now and if you're feeling overwhelmed by your workouts and they are becoming a drudgery, I would recommend not putting the intensity in that you've been putting in. I know, I know, we are told we gotta hit it hard . . . that we gotta climb Mt. Everest in one night. We are told we gotta burn lotsa calories . . . we are told that if we don't basically die at the end of a workout then we didn't do enough, but I don't agree. I think that an extremely intense workout should be hit once or maaaaaybe twice a week, but the other days, not so all gung ho. A nice steady even pace on occasion is perfectly acceptable. Find you some good music and get lost in it while you're walking or whatever. If you're moving, you're still burning calories. Period. And who says you have to go an hour? Is that a magic number or something? How about trying 30 to 40 minutes? You just gotta find a way to make it into something you can live with. Remember the ruler . . . as long as you're on the ruler, you're doing good, whether at a 2 or at an 8 . . . it's all good. Grin

posted : 1/18/2012 at 8:24 PM

dusky d member since Jun'10

7.7k rep

C1/W2D3

Lo and behold, yesterday I delved into some “homework” my psycho doctor gave me to do and I came up with some pretty interesting stuff. I discovered that the fear of rape was only about 25 – 30 % of the equation. There is something much more daunting . . . something much more intimidating that is keeping me from keeping this weight off permanently and that is myself. Go figure, right?

Let me know if you guys want to hear about it. I'll have to email you the info because it's something that I just can't bring myself to post about. I actually believe, for the first time in my life, that I might be able to keep the weight off this time because of what I found out about myself. Only time will tell, of course, but I do believe I'm on the right track. Grin

Monday's workout with the trainer was nice. We worked chest and bi's at my request. Totally killed my biceps. They were malfunctioning all over the place by the last two sets of preacher curls.

Tuesday I had to skip my workout. I went in for a biopsy and wasn't quite up to snuff, so I played hooky. Tongue

I had a really nice workout tonight, though. Happy I was just a bee-boppin' along to some music and having a grand old time on the elliptical after work today - then transferred over to the recumbent bike. Grin Although I still can't put much resistence on the bike, I am happy that I can still pedal fast and although I can't put any resistence on the elliptical, I am able to increase the ramp! I am sooooooo happy about that! Rock On

posted : 1/18/2012 at 8:39 PM

Susan Bock member since Feb'10

19k rep

So happy to hear things are going so well Miss Dusky! You are really addressing some pretty intense things with your doctor. I applaud you totally.
This may sound a little off, but to see you talk about these issues seem so valid and they are valid. The struggle I have with myself is, I have some similar issues that aren't just fears, but have been realities, but when I try to talk about them I feel like I'm just making excuses. I do not feel in any way, shape or form that you are making excuses. I don't understand why I am so hard on myself. Some day I hope to treat myself with the same love and compassion I feel for all of you here. I am struggling big time right now with myself. I will get through it. I just wish it could happen yesterday instead of due time.

posted : 1/19/2012 at 4:50 AM

Laura Steward member since Jul'11

23k rep

Hi There Miss Dusky! I am so proud of you & your progress! I would love to know what you have been thinking about. You can e-mail me: laurakay@tds.net if you would like.
Glad to hear that your training sessions are going well! They will really pay off in the end!

As for me - I am not sure what is happening in my head right now. I know that this journey is not all about the number on the scale - I really do. And still I get so discouraged when I see the same number day after day after day. I know I feel better, I know I look better... but somewhere it is getting lost in translation.

I wish I could blame my thyroid - but I had it checked last year & it was fine then.

I understand that as long as I am moving I am burning & yes - the one hour is something I put on myself. I am switching things up again so hopefully that will help shake something loose!! So I will keep bargaining with myself to get through one more song or one more minute as long as I have to for now while I sort things out in my head!

Susan - I think we are in the same boat right now. Thank goodness we can all lean on each other. SO here is a huge good morning hug for you! I hope that you too can find some peace in your head. We are all here if you want to vent or yell or scream or pout!

Off to work now so I will catch you all later.

posted : 1/19/2012 at 6:39 AM

MONET0329 member since Jun'10

4.9k rep

Sweet Susan... hugss...

There is a reason we are all in this predicament..we really need to dig deep down and figure out why... so sweet pea.. you are NOT making excuses.. and yes, you need to love yourself.. maybe you could start the home work I gave Dusky heheh.. every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself.." Good morning beautiful.. your doing an amazing job with eating healthy, and your workouts are awesome.. and just remember, you are WORTH all the effort you're putting into yourself!!!.. have a great day and I LOVE YOU!".. something like that..Happy ..telling yourself every day that you love yourself and you are worth it.. will get into your head and you will soon believe it!..:)..

There are some things I am starting to work on myself.. Dusky is gonna help me.. Bless her soul..Happy .. I am the type of person who lets everything build up.. or I put things on the back burner if its bothering me.. put on a happy face and move on.. when I know deep down ..it hurts..:(.. so maybe.. subconsciously ..I eat to cover up feelings?.. I want to say.. I eat because it taste good and its there and because I can.. the part of me that likes to control things.. everything but what I eat that is..Worried ..

so anyway.. I am going to try to work some stuff out.. if I am "forced" to address them.. maybe it will help me? and when I say forced.. I mean Dusky helping in a loving way..Tongue ..

best of luck to us all..Happy ..
have a great day my friendsHappy

posted : 1/19/2012 at 8:26 AM

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